I am Jack's smirking revenge.

Often, I find it interesting to think of people as nameless and faceless: just gray figures bending in unimaginable ways and speaking about nothing absolutely. This is most enjoyable during my P.E. period, when we're all grouped in two's or three's with other gray figures, before we all fall in line for roll call and daily movement. If you think of everyone as void of a personality, almost everything seems mundane, the rest oddly disturbing. Gray figures moving by choice or coercion or sometimes choosing to be forced to move, to be compelled to benefit themselves. We have to do this because we can't do it ourselves and often it isn't that we don't enjoy it, but that we don't enjoy being told what to do. Are we completely incapable of keeping ourselves in good health? Do we have to be told to live?

So today in my 5th period, the class discussed the positive and negative effects of purging the East Side Union High School District's entire sports program, and how that action may indirectly affect Gunderson. Teacher brought up the point that, if they cut out sports, we would see an increase in dropouts and criminal activity ie. vandalism both gang-related and not. When those who participated in after school sports were asked if they would still maintain a basic 2.0 gpa or higher without sports to motivate them, only a few raised their hand in agreement. Student elaborated that he would still try his best to succeed at whatever he does. Teacher responds that not everyone is self-motivated. Many people require some sort of external-motivation.

I questioned not only what I do but why I do it. I suppose some days I feel like just getting through the day, so I do whatever I'm told just so it ends sooner. Other days I feel like really overachieving, but then I become too critical of everything I do so that nothing gets done. This mindset has sort of placed me snuggly between complacient and ambitious: on the brink of average. Nothing draws me in everyday, but then again, no one's really pushing me either. My grades aren't extraordinary, but then again, not much is expected either. "Then what is motivating me," I ask myself. I believe the answer is equal to fish.

I am Jack's unnoticeable indecision.